You Don’t Owe Anyone But Yourself

I’ve been thinking about the idea of obligation a lot recently. I’ve been reading a lot of Body Acceptance blogs lately and when the subject of weight or health comes up the idea of obligation goes hand and hand (more on this in a minute). I thought about what a relief the thought, “I don’t have to be or do anything unless I want to,” has been for me. I remember what a relief it was when someone told me that and I got it. It was like I had their permission to be me. And I had to step back and really think about why I needed permission to let go of obligation like that.

Here’s what I’ve come up with: I think the reason we need permission to let go of a lot of obligation in our lives is that the obligation did not come from inside of us in the first place. We don’t inherently want to make ourselves miserable to look or be a certain way, but there is typically a lot of pressure to do so. So much pressure, in fact, that we feel like we’re failing if we don’t conform to the standards that other people have set for us. If someone sets new standards that are easier for us to take steps towards we feel relief because they have given us permission to take an easier path. Somehow, what we really think gets mixed up in these standards and we lose part of ourselves to the process.

So. This post is about increasing our awareness of our perceived obligations and letting them go. We’re allowed to be who we are right now, all the time, without anyone else’s input. I’m going to give examples of obligations I’ve found in myself and others and then give us permission to let them go.

Body Obligations
You don’t have to be fat or sick to appreciate these—body obligations are some of the strongest imposed by society today. There is a monumental push for us to be super thin. Thin is typically a benchmark for beauty, health, and class. Fat is typically a benchmark for ugliness, illness, poverty. I’m here to tell you, that fat or thin is just a condition of body. It’s not an indication of beauty or health or economic status. Neither is it an indication of morality, personal strength, or intelligence. Deep down most of us know this, but because we’re barraged by the message that thin = good and fat = bad multiple times on a daily basis, it’s easy to forget.

No one has ever proven that fat people eat more than thin people. This perception has been shaped by media and their manipulation and portrayal of what being fat means. There is a preponderance of evidence that shows that health is a determination of lifestyle rather than weight. Thin people who never exercise and eat crap are just as unhealthy as fat people who live the same kind of life. Likewise, fat people who eat nutritious foods and exercise on a regular basis are just as healthy as thin people who do the same (and actually there are studies that suggest extra fat helps with a variety of illnesses from cancer to diabetes—yes that’s right, diabetes—and helps people recover from heart attacks). Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Right now, thin is held up as an ideal for beauty, but if you’ve seen art or studied history you know this certainly wasn’t always true. The truth is, beauty can be found everywhere in anything if we just look for it.

So you knew this was coming, but you don’t owe it to anyone to be thin. In fact, you owe it to yourself to give yourself a break about what you weigh or how you look. Some magic number on a scale isn’t going to keep you happy for long because as humans we are always striving for more and to be better. If weight is an marker for happiness then we would always be chasing a number rather than being present in our physical bodies and listening to what they’re telling us. You’re allowed to be happy no matter how much you weigh.

Here’s one you might not have seen coming: you don’t owe it to anyone to be healthy either. Just as there is a cult of thin, there’s an obvious cult of health. I’ve seen many people in fat activist circles who push being healthy as an acceptable excuse for being fat. “Don’t hate on me because I’m fat—I’ve got great cholesterol and blood pressure. And I exercise a lot and love salad.” I think the cry should be, “Don’t hate on me because I’m fat. I’m a person with a particular body type making my way through this world and my body type and lifestyle aren’t hurting you.”

Life is about what makes each of us happy. If what gives me good thoughts and makes me happy right now is that I’m not going to worry about what I eat and how much I exercise because I know nothing can hurt me if I don’t let it, then that’s how I’m going to live my life. If what gives me good thoughts is that I love the way my body feels when I move and I love the way I feel when I heat nutritious food then that’s how I’m going to live my life. And either choice is completely valid. The only voice that needs to be heeded is the voice inside of us when it’s telling us how to be happy. You’re allowed to be happy no matter how healthy you are.

Life Choice Obligations
That said, you don’t owe it to anyone to be happy. If you want to be miserable and see the evil or bleakness in everything than go right ahead. No one can make the choice to be happy for anyone but themselves. You are not weak or stupid or deficient if you need to be upset. It is a life choice and a set of circumstances just as any other state of being.

I’m assuming though, if you’re reading this blog—one dedicated to finding bliss that is—that you do want to be happy. We’re all going to encounter people who have an idea of what will make us happy. (Hello! This is the blogger who is giving you suggestions about what will make you happy.) Many of them really want to see us happy and have big hopes for us and make suggestions based on what they think or have experienced. Sometimes, other people can see things for us that we can’t see because we’re emotionally invested in our current situation. Even so, we need to take steps that are accessible to us based on where we are right now.

So the question to ask is what will actually make us feel better than we are feeling right now? Not what should make us feel better, but what actually will make us feel better. Here’s a bunch more things that may be on your “should” list that you’re not obligated to do:

You don’t owe it to anyone to:

• go back school,
• have a high powered job,
• have a low powered job,
• have lots of money,
• be poor,
• be smart,
• be beautiful,
• have certain things,
• be “good”,
• be “bad”,
• think a certain way,
• agree,
• be different,
• be cheerful,
• be sad,
• be a great mother/family member/employee,
• [insert your own here].

You are the only one who knows what will make you happy. If you’re working towards something and it makes you feel like crap, that is not what will make you happy, because, wait for it … it’s not making you happy. If you think you “should” be doing something because it will make you happy, but the thought that you “should” do it is making you miserable, stop thinking that thought and do and think what actually gives you a feeling of happiness or relief. Here are some examples—think about which thoughts feel better to you:

“I should go to school so I can get a better job.” Or “I love my job.” Or “I can find a new one that I’m great at right now” Or “I would love to go back to school so I can learn new things and live the life of a student.”

“I should lose some weight.” Or “I love myself no matter how much I weigh.” Or “My lifestyle is really fulfilling to me.” Or “I’m looking forward to moving my body because it makes me feel great.” Or “I’m really happy to be me in all my uniqueness.”

I may not know you personally, but I can tell you with 100% certainty:

You are awesome. You’ve had so many interesting experiences, made fantastic choices, and are an incredible manifester. You are someone I’d like to know. You know what makes you happy and are completely capable of managing your own life. Your body is a wonderful machine that helps you experience the world in a way that only you can. You have it in you to live a joyful and fulfilling life and you do things every day to help make that happen. The only person you owe anything to is yourself.

This post was cross posted from the Uncover Your Bliss Blog